Dear Son...

A letter to Kitso Sedumedi.

Before you I was Itumeleng Sedumedi. Somewhat lost, a little emptier than the everage human being wants to be and I had a low self esteem.
I was into broken men, men who were a little more broken than I was.
Before you Kitso - I searched for things I couldn't afford to keep.
Before you - I used to look in the mirror and wonder what's missing.
Before you - my reasons for living were lame.
Before you came into my life I was feisty, I was aggresive and forward.
Before you - I probably didn't know my place.

I remember when I first suspected that I'm pregnant, I was even more confused.
I'd just broken up with your biological father. I was going through a difficult time in my life - not because of the break-up because truth be told - I'd been through a lot worse.
That time in my life was difficult because at last I was facing up to my weaknesses and I was looking at my fears in the face. For the first time in my life I was alone and didn't have anyone by my side to fool me into thinking that all is well.
I was going through a difficult time because for the first time in my life I'd came to the realisation that I hadn't been so good to myself. That I had been taking my life, myself and my existence for granted - and I was mad at myself - no one else was to blame.
I was trying to find myself on another level. A level of new standards - standards that didn't depend on anyone else but me.
When the Dr. told me that I'm pregnant - it threw me off, totally.
All I was thinking is - how can I be carrying HIS seed? He'd been cruel to me, unkind and he'd left me with bruises, literally.

It took me about a week to come to my senses. And when I did - my life changed for the better. You carried me through my journey to a new life. A journey that would have been so misguided had you not been inside of me.
The first few months of the pregnancy were difficult physically, I was in and out of hospital, scared I was going to loose you.
When the 12 week mark finally passed I was super relieved, I was so happy.

From that point onwards - I was in the most perfect space. I enjoyed preparing for your arrival, I got so much closer to my mother, so much closer. I grew - in every sense of the word. I grew bigger - thanks to you, I became patient - (nothing better to teach you that, than waiting for someone you haven't met but love so dearly to arrive), I calmed down - I'm still a very tjatjarig individual but believe you me, I'm calmer than I used to be.

I was told you'd arrive on the 7th of September, I was hoping you'd come sooner than that but NO Kitso, You decided the 11th was the perfect date. I can only describe the two days that led-up to that day as pure pain - nothing else, just pain.
The day you were born - I was alone, in pain, scared but none of that could match my happiness - I was about to meet my Darling Boy.
You were not well when you arrived. You didn't cry, you were weak and you were rushed to ICU. I was discharged before you and spent a few days visiting you in hospital. Times were hard, but you my boy came out of it a winner. You are such a fighter.

It's been 22 months since that emotional day and my life has been all that and so much more - only because of you.
I've always loved the name Kitso, I've loved it since the first day I heard it and I must say - now I know why I loved it so much - there's no name more appropriate for you.
You are the one who brought knowledge into my life. Self knowledge, Knowledge of all things meaningful and worth my strength and time.
Before you I didn't know a thing - and now I know. I know what true love is. I know what unconditional love is. I know why I get up every morning.

When you came into the world you brought with you a sense of strength to my will and character. I no longer question why I'm here or what my role is in this world.
When you came into the world you carried loads and loads of confidence that you delivered to me.
When you came into the world I became Itumeleng "Mama Kitso" Sedumedi.

The past 22 months have presented to me a million-and-one emotions.
Your milestones have made me so proud.
Your adventures have made me anything from nervous - through frustrated - to angry.
Your smile has healed many a difficult moments.
When you say 'mama' - I always feel like I'm right where I wanna be.
Your tantrums have made me such a negotiator.
You validate my existence without trying - there's no bigger gift.
I hope one day you are going to have siblings - and until then - I live for you Kitso Sedumedi.

I want you to know that I will do all I can to protect you.
I'll never take my responsibilities (of making sure that you are the best that you can be) for granted.
I love you - I've never loved like this.

I could never trade the opportunity to be around to see you become the dramatic, loving, lekker stout, smart and helpful person that you are becoming for anything else.

Your biological father may not be around to see you grow - but I want you to know (and never forget) that it has nothing to do with you and I.
I don't know if he'll ever acknowledge you but I want you to know that none of his actions should ever have to define you.

When the Dr. told me I was expecting a boy - I promised myself that I'll raise a man and not a boy. Hopefully - I can achieve that.
For me - nothing will be more meaningful than seeing you become a father to your children.
Along the way - you are going to be exposed to a lot.
You'll meet men who make disregarding their roles and responsibilities look like a walk in the park.
You'll meet people who can kill without even thinking twice about it.
You'll meet people who find pleasure in making others misreble.
I want you to know that - that's the world, maybe it wont get any better.
I just hope that I can help you find your place and way in it. A place that is fair, responsible, noble, kind, helpful, giving, respecting, respected, valuable, fulfilling, full of love and happy.

I love you and can't thank you enough for bringing KITSO into my life my boy.

From Mama