"Closet Smoking"

What a bitch

I can hardly remember the first time I held a cigarette between my two fingers

When I was in Matric, I would take a drag from a friend or two while we were at a party or some gathering that featured a bit of alchohol. At the time it was purely messing around in our parents' absence. My gap-year came, I had nothing to do but read thick novels and find out more about the course (Journalism) I was about to grab by the horns. I was a Drama Sub-facilitator and in the absence of the head facilitator I would teach and ‘baby-sit’ young people who were between the ages of 12 years and 18 years. They would smoke- thinking “Tumi-two-shoes” is not aware of our dirty habit. (Mind you- I was just 19-years-old).
I would watch-silently thinking- ‘What the hell do these Urban brats think they are doing?’.

Yeah, I do smoke. My family would disown me if they knew I’m doing it. And just in case you think this is enough to stop anyone from doing the puff- puff on a daily basis- Think again.

I've been at it for the past three years (on and off). When I moved to another city, Pretoria to be pricise-I started smoking seriously, If you are wondering what serious means- think about 5-6 ciggies a day. I stopped for a while and then started taking drags from Big-Mike, at the time I was involved with a guy who did everything he could to make sure I don't smoke (that was of course in his knowledge). I smoked and it got stronger by the day. When we broke-up, I felt free, free to smoke and do everything I would like to do.

They say Shame doesn't bring change, the only time a smoker kicks the habit is if and when it is within them to do so.

This day and age I kill about 7 a day and if I am by any chance working in another city (away from home) I kill about 13-15 a day. All I do is smoke, smoke, smoke. I smoke more than my boyfriend smokes and when I'm not smoking I'm thinking about smoking.

Sounds unhealthy I know, I plan to quit when I fall pregnant (that's if GOD blesses me with kids).

Keep in mind that the only person in my family who knows about my habit is my older sister Nina who by the way had a reaction and a-half when I told her all about it. No one else knows but I think my niece has an idea.

Last night as we sat with my mother in her bedroom watching TV, my niece walks in and says "Tsitsi wa bhema"- 'Tsitsi' is what she calls me and 'wa bhema' means- YOU SMOKE.

My neck stiffened, I heard my mom ask: What'd you say? "Wa Bhema, yaka bashimane". She smokes like boys is what the four year old meant. She also went on to explain to my dear Mother how she'd found 'those two things' (signaling with her two fingers on her mouth) in my bag. I ignored their little conversation, after all Fiona Coyne and the weakest links were far too interesting and please don't be fooled- My heart was beating very fast.

"Itumeleng what is she on about?". "OH- My lighter" I said "everytime she sees it she accuses me of being a smoker".

Connie Sedumedi then asked: "What are you doing with a lighter?". "I always keep one" I said "Now I have two". And that Ladies and gentlemen was the biggest lie I have ever told my mother. I feel bad about it but I feel better about protecting our relationship. See, I know my mother knows that I smoke, I also know that she doesn't know that I know that she knows that I smoke.

If she ever had to hear me say or admit that I'm a smoke, our relationship would go sour. She is an open minded individual but she is a cigarette hating mother too. I'm her youngest child and the fact that not even my brother smokes would even make it harder for her to accept my habit.

They say there's no smoke without fire? It is so true. It's just a bitch having to always pretend that you are not responsible for the smoke. Everyone but my family knows about my smoking.

What's your take on my situation? Thato thinks I should just come out and let my know know about it. YOU?