WOMAN
The 'hard' of Hardcore.
They say her place is in the kitchen, some believe she should be seen and not heard.
For many years the woman has been playing “the fool”, a special role in the movie called LIFE. She is not bad at it. Actually she has been too good at it. The man (leading characters) loves working with her. She is simple, gives in easily, does whatever he says and follows his lead- no matter what.
I look back at how things used to work in my family when I was still very young, my father would disappear for days, get my mother into trouble (don’t ask) and give us nothing but false hope. He promised me the world, literally and never delivered. I know of no other person who can wait as patiently as my father’s children can. My mother would run, with four kids and absolutely nowhere to go, she would be on her way. The point- to get away from trouble maker she had for a husband. She would all by herself work something out and just when everyone got a hold of ‘a piece of mind’, she would invite my father back into our lives.
Because my mother never put her feelings before my father, (I know it sound ambiguous and I mean it in both ways), things turned out the way they did, every time I see a bit of my father in a man- I run. My sisters and I find it hard to believe a man who makes a promise and every time a promise is kept we find it hard to believe. All because we were exposed to a promise breaking, lying and selfish party animal for a father.
About two weeks ago I took a life changing decision, I decided to stop being so bitter towards my jobless, down and out father. I realised what a burden anger and bitterness can be. I used to blame him for the way my life turned out (every aspect) and wanted nothing to do with him. I realise what the saying ‘What goes around comes around’ really means. My father would do anything to do right by his family, too late. His family is doing fine without him.
I know a lot of women who are waiting for their boyfriends/husbands/partners/lovers to change their ways habits and in some situations the number of women they date. I am convinced that patience was designed for women. Women will be patient with a man that assaults them, they will be patient with a man who drinks his brains out while his children are at home with empty stomachs, women have the patience for polygamists, women will wait patiently for a man to commit when commitment features nowhere near his intentions or vocabulary for that matter. Women are too kind with their hearts- they give them to heartbreakers without even thinking about what it takes to mend them.
Men and women are from two different worlds, that does not mean you should settle for less and let a man walk all over you. There are good men out there, they are not perfect but they are worth a real woman’s time.
I will give you a few hints of my own on how to know whether it’s time to run or stay.
Are you comfortable around him?
Can you be your self around him?
STAY
The 'hard' of Hardcore.
They say her place is in the kitchen, some believe she should be seen and not heard.
For many years the woman has been playing “the fool”, a special role in the movie called LIFE. She is not bad at it. Actually she has been too good at it. The man (leading characters) loves working with her. She is simple, gives in easily, does whatever he says and follows his lead- no matter what.
I look back at how things used to work in my family when I was still very young, my father would disappear for days, get my mother into trouble (don’t ask) and give us nothing but false hope. He promised me the world, literally and never delivered. I know of no other person who can wait as patiently as my father’s children can. My mother would run, with four kids and absolutely nowhere to go, she would be on her way. The point- to get away from trouble maker she had for a husband. She would all by herself work something out and just when everyone got a hold of ‘a piece of mind’, she would invite my father back into our lives.
Because my mother never put her feelings before my father, (I know it sound ambiguous and I mean it in both ways), things turned out the way they did, every time I see a bit of my father in a man- I run. My sisters and I find it hard to believe a man who makes a promise and every time a promise is kept we find it hard to believe. All because we were exposed to a promise breaking, lying and selfish party animal for a father.
About two weeks ago I took a life changing decision, I decided to stop being so bitter towards my jobless, down and out father. I realised what a burden anger and bitterness can be. I used to blame him for the way my life turned out (every aspect) and wanted nothing to do with him. I realise what the saying ‘What goes around comes around’ really means. My father would do anything to do right by his family, too late. His family is doing fine without him.
I know a lot of women who are waiting for their boyfriends/husbands/partners/lovers to change their ways habits and in some situations the number of women they date. I am convinced that patience was designed for women. Women will be patient with a man that assaults them, they will be patient with a man who drinks his brains out while his children are at home with empty stomachs, women have the patience for polygamists, women will wait patiently for a man to commit when commitment features nowhere near his intentions or vocabulary for that matter. Women are too kind with their hearts- they give them to heartbreakers without even thinking about what it takes to mend them.
Men and women are from two different worlds, that does not mean you should settle for less and let a man walk all over you. There are good men out there, they are not perfect but they are worth a real woman’s time.
I will give you a few hints of my own on how to know whether it’s time to run or stay.
Are you comfortable around him?
Can you be your self around him?
STAY
Does he pay attention to you and what is happening in your life?
STAY
Does he put his friend, partying, alcohol or fun before you?
RUN
Does he get vulgar or violent with you?
RUN
Does he have respect for your family and friends?
STAY
Can you have him and your loved ones in the same room without anything breaking?
STAY
Are there other women in his life (besides his family) that make you uncomfortable and he claims he can not do anything to help the situation?
RUN
Has he been in and out of prison a number of times?
RUN (even if he claims he did not do it)
Does he speak to his mother like he is addressing a kid or maybe one of his dumb friends or cheap girlfriends?
RUN
Do people speak badly about him?
INVESTIGATE.
Does he give you compliments and notice changes when you have made some?
STAY
If the right man does not come along, spend your life nurturing the one person you will have to spend forever with- YOU. Do not let one guy make all men look the same. Men only do what you let them get away with, let them get away with making you feel like a queen, it is all up to you.
“No man is worth your tears, the one who is – will never make you cry”
- Anonymous.
There’s more where that came from but I will leave it here. All you need to remember is-
Love yourself.
Put yourself first.
Don’t stay if you are not happy.
Love does not hurt.
You should raise your children in an environment you would want them to portray.
Self confidence is not for the elite- you build it by yourself.
You choose your own love-life.
Brothers- Nothing Personal. Let me know what you think by leaving a comment. IS.
9 comments:
Hey girl
You blog is beautiful, Im really glad you got into this thing.
I'm going to pimp you on my blog and try to get people to come see how awesome this is.
Love you lots and hope to see you again soon.
Damn, this is a nice and very personal entry Tumi. But what do you do if the guy fits in most of the "Stay" categories as well as one or more of the "Runs"?
That's a good one M'fo (Henry/x0lani).I guess when that happens, the gut feeling should be put to use. Women always undermine what their gut tells them, when infact it's always on point.
Ah.. I really enjoyed reading your blog.. Very good advice for women.. Keep up the great writings.. I will continue to check them out.. :-) Take care
Melissa
Thank you Melissa, I am glad someone appreciates my writing. Pls keep checking the blog out.
Tumi
Moseki
I hate to say to be the one who says this but that is a damn good question.
I feel like in life there are four kinds of men (in relationships).
1. Drunks
2. Wife beaters
3. Friend lover
4. Cheaters
We are done with the men- I think. And now it's time I do the same for the brothers, give them tips on what to look out for in relationships.
1. There are users- Not too ambitious and they all depend on men to make sure they are fine.
Generalisation has it that Xhosa women master this one.
2. There are cheaters- You should know the difference between you girl's male friend and you worst enermy.
3. There are liars- If what your partner says does not add up- often enough. You've got yourself a bit of some serious trouble.
4. There are catchers- These kind of women will do almost anything to have your undivided attention, even if it means peeling the skin off their noses of dragging your name through the mud. They mean no harm, it's a psychological thing. They just want a brother all to themselves.
5. There are Glam girls- All they want is to have a good time. Unfortunately brothers fall for this breed way too often to even realise that they are in it alone.
You'll know when to run, just take your GUT feeling serious enough. Listen to those who know you well and want the best for you.
Hope all of this is helpful to y'all brothers.
Moseki
I could never get tired of you making some time to go through my blog. The appreciation is immeasurable.
Wa Nkgothatsa. Speaking of my next blog entry, let me get on with it.
Hope you like it, thanks for the concern, I'll make sure I leave tips on how to leave a comment on the blog.
Matumza
Ke a leboga
once again...
the message has hit home
i can somehow relate to this piece (the part about your dad)
i love my dad but i don't like him very much
I also blamed him for the way my life is and for me finding it difficult to trust and open up to a man
that is because i believe in every man there is a bit of my father.
he did somethings to my mother that i will never be able to forgive him for.
we don't talk much because our relationship is tainted
i would love to fix it but i don't know how to go about doing that.
i'm sure naye he wants to but since we don't talk nothing is going to change.
as i said i love my dad but don't like him much, at some point i even despised him but i have grown and learnt to partially forgive him but unfortunately i will never forget.
so ke matumza enkosi sisi for making me feel that i am not the only one who had a raw deal growing up and making me see that not all men are bad and that there are some good men out there.
in my two decades on this earth i have never had a relationship because i see the ghost in my father in every man i meet. i don't take the time to get to know them and experience the good or bad that they may have to offer me. i just mess up from the word go and run a mile. thanx for sharing this experience with us and making me feel that it can only get better from here.
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